It seemed to be important
to be in the world
at that particular moment.
Somehow I knew it must have mattered
in some way
that I had managed to make it that far,
having lost my heart and soul…
almost, but not quite.
Sure enough, they were still in tact —
And… there was, in that exact moment,
no way to avoid, not look, numb,
justify or unsee what had been
There was the overwhelming
sense of powerlessness to protect what had
been held so sacred in my heart,
sometimes by a thread.
And although screaming wore me out
and added to the intensity and insanity
of it all,
I allowed myself to scream.
It had taken so long to be able
to scream again,
only to feel like I was just in time
to be too late,
turned away and unheard
while facing impossible choices
Only this time something had shifted,
if only in the unseen
and inner promise to God
to do whatever was required
to remain connected to my soul
in that moment,
as I had practiced,
not so gracefully.
so many times before.
Somehow it had mattered.