Welcome

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Welcome to my blog. The following posts contain the raw notes that have allowed me to remain free of a relentless case of anorexia for about 8 years now. I write because it sustains me. I share because others have found comfort and personal relevance at this time as we walk through many challenges both personally and collectively and because others shared their words with me. I have compiled older writing into more refined prayer/poetry books (see link above). I’m working on editing a new book now. These are the raw notes.
–Laurie

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Enough

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Reflections

One day I got it that life isn’t supposed to get completely sorted out. I understood there is always a place of unsettledness. Who’s to say what and how much to sort through and surrender and how much to leave alone in the transformative state of raw tenderness?

I couldn’t help but look back on all the time and energy spent trying find someone or something to help me out of the mess in my head. I thought of all the countless dramas I had acted out in my life in hope of a solution to this unresolved trauma — my piece of the collective suffering.

Then I got it that at any point I could have seen that I was okay with where I was (because of course I was more okay than I knew). I could have identified with the healer in me, the totality of all of the parts of me that had struggled to find relief — not knowing they didn’t need to go it alone.

And so in that moment, I vowed to not waste one more bit of energy doing things that only tired me out, including all useless kinds of thinking.

Sometimes enough is enough.

A Gentler Way

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Reflections

For a while, parts of me did their best to survive. The noise created in my mind served as a way to focus away from attempts to sort out what couldn’t be processed completely from that place. Had I been able to access more highly consious parts of me, I would have been shown a gentler way.

In truth, I was shown this gentler way, but needed to reach a place where I could hear more clearly. I needed to step out of that seemingly separate and fractured self.

There, in the sacred space of my true Self,  instead of struggling against parts of the whole, I became healer of my own heart.

In My Heart and in the World

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Softening

I learned to look for the light in every experience, no matter how dark it looked at first glance. It meant being willing to not know exactly how situations would transform, while knowing they would in fact transform.
It meant being willing to be still in my heart and diligent with thoughts while daring to place my feet in the world of form.
There was a delicate softening — the transformation into tenderness. Tenderness spilled over again and again from the ever-present quiet prayer within my deepest heart.

Gently

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Quieting

Ifound there had always been a quiet prayer within my heart. It had been covered up for a while by the noise of the world and the noise within.

It was there each time I dared not to listen to the endless chatter of mind and allowed my attention to land on the space beyond objects and subtle energies within. It appeared gently, as a whisper — like a subtle breeze I might have easily missed.

Beyond Thought

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Reflections

No words were needed each time I found my way to the quiet prayer in my heart.

Words carried there faded with the light of the presence of my own healer Self. The urge to look outward for relief in times of challenge was replaced with the understanding beyond thought found within and reflected outward.

Just Enough

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Tenderness

I found it was possible and simpler than I had imagined to soften my experience in my heart and in the world.

I began by taking the reigns of my own healing journey, while dropping the struggle at the same time. Help showed up as needed, but it was when I really began to live from my inner heart space that I began to experience tenderness.

I focused on being my inner healer and living out of a formless, creative space,. My inner experience immediately became a place of reprieve. After a while, I understood that trauma and past patterns could be held and transformed in a natural, organic way. I learned to trust my inner healer to show me just enough in each moment and to catch all the pieces of my heart each time I tossed them up or whenever life became too heavy.