One More Time

Continuing On, Unsorted April 25, 2021

And so I continued to write —

not so much for the words anymore

but to feel the connection

with my soul

at a time when real connection

was precious and rare

and words seemed to fall short.

If I couldn’t be heard

then I would listen.

I would turn frustration into

dedication.

I would take the deep sadness,

and I would hold it —

forever if necessary.

And if this tender ache could be

deepened, I would find a way.

Maybe it would lead to a new outer

reflection,

something a little more sacred

and beautiful.

Most likely, but maybe not.

It was my best shot.

It was one more last try.

One more time

    In This Place

    Continuing On December 31, 2020

    Perhaps the most painful lesson

    on the journey

    was allowing things to be

    unresolved —

    unsorted.

    It was a little different than

    giving in. It was definitely not

    giving up., but I had to learn

    to hold a place for all that was unsettled —

    trusting in previous lessons learned

    about truth and love and the fluidity

    of all states —

    knowing beyond all doubt that

    there was tenderness in this place.

    Reconnection

    Letting Go December 16, 2020

    I learned that in order to retain the delicate

    reconnection with my true Self,

    there was to be a clean cut

    with all that was of false light.

    There were moments of extreme grief

    and disbelief as one piece after another,

    all that was holding my heart from

    it’s true calling was torn back.

    I did my best to gather up anything

    that might help in retracing my steps

    and somehow returning with some kind

    of treasure to share —

    which helped to create a sense

    of meaning in the pain.

    Eventually, even carefully gathered treasures

    had to be set down — for a while,

    adding to the already immense grief

    I didn’t know if my heart could bear.

    But it was at that point I began to

    understand tenderness and

    compassion and grace

    more deeply.

    And I knew I could never

    turn back.

    Worth Living

    Continuing On November 27, 2020

    There were so many moments

    of decision,

    so many chances to take one more step

    and to trust it was indeed safe to hold

    out for truth

    just one more last time.

    I learned the art of turning inward,

    healing deeply

    all the parts of me that were

    frightened and exhausted from years

    of being disconnected from each other

    and from God.

    I learned there was a powerful

    spirit of pure, real love —

    not the imitation or false light

    I had strived for.

    No, not that.

    This unexpected rising up of pure

    Spirit was what had brought me

    through trials and encouraged me

    when I didn’t think I could endure.

    And it was this very rising up

    that, each time I glanced at the road

    behind me, made the whole journey

    worth living.

    Again

    Holding November 1, 2020

    It was difficult to hold

    many things.

    It was difficult to comprehend

    that the world wasn’t

    how it appeared on the surface.

    I had known that at an early age

    and had continued on.

    It was disheartening to know

    and be unable to be heard —

    as so many times before.

    Yet I remained thankful for strength

    to hold it all anyway —

    and to remain connected

    to God and to my heart

    this time

    and to welcome new friends

    and new experiences

    as I learned to notice

    and nurture the smallest

    bit of hope and pure joy

    again.

    Every Single Time

    Tenderness, Unsorted September 25, 2020

    There came a time

    when it didn’t matter

    how many lies were spoken

    or if they were repeated

    by every single person around me.

    My love of truth had grown so great

    and my determination to

    move in the direction of truth

    and to never again be disconnected

    from my own true Self had become

    just what I do.

    I had learned to respond to my own

    inner reality and to create

    from there.

    Of course the darkness was

    difficult to walk through.

    And I admit I wasn’t always graceful.

    But I reminded myself in the darkest

    of times that without fail, every single time

    I faced the path ahead and walked it

    all the way,

    all I remembered was the incredible light

    and magic I had experienced.

    Embraced

    Tenderness, Unsorted September 24, 2020

    It was disheartening to surrender

    to the idea that love of truth

    and the desire to see and protect

    one’s own true spirit

    and that within others had gotten a bit

    scrambled.

    Sometimes sacred things got mixed up

    on the road to tenderness.

    Sometimes darkness found its way in

    where there was wounding,

    And it took a while to let go of the idea

    that moving further away from

    true unity based on united sovereign souls

    could ever lead anywhere good.

    No, in the end, darkness and separation

    had to be seen for what it was–

    looked straight in the face

    and released.

    Parts of Self desperately hated,

    disconnected,

    and previously entwined with the dark

    had to be embraced.

    Unseen

    Continuing On, Unsorted August 30, 2020

    Just when I thought

    there was no hope,

    just when darkness seemed

    to have won,

    I learned something surprising.

    I learned this was the perfect

    set up for an equal and opposite

    surge of light

    that would outshine every last

    bit of darkness.

    And once lit,

    nothing could put it out

    What was seen could never be

    unseen.