Something Beautiful

Tenderness, Unsorted December 2, 2018

There was a longing for some missed step along the way, some kind of orientation to life or honoring of the intensity of the spiritual journey that didn’t happen soon enough. And so finding my way back to where I could sense a loving higher self had been a long, tedious journey.

The process of gathering up fractured parts of self came with its own kind of heartache. Somehow, thankfully, it also came with added tenderness. That’s what kept me in the game. It was the awe at how I kept finding just the right piece just before I really needed it and the resolve to stick with myself no matter what.  It was the determination  to learn to trust life and to turn what looked like a complete mess into something beautiful — again and again.

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Against All Odds

Tenderness November 30, 2018

There were moments of deeply felt grief, having endured a long, intense spiritual and human journey. There were regrets and lingering physical scars and emotional wounds.  And there was tenderness, something that was understood deep down to somehow be the whole point.

There was the understanding, in the brief moments of outer calm, that I had given up many things on this journey — but not this. I wouldn’t have been able to endure without this tenderness of spirit.

I wouldn’t have been able to be present in a world of challenges without having broken apart and come back together. I wouldn’t have been able to look at overwhelming challenges and destruction without knowing what is possible. I had been to the edge of destruction in my own way and had, against all odds, transformed — not with my own limited human self alone, but in cooperation with something much bigger that I didn’t quite understand.

At a certain point, it became clear that standing on the edge of destruction was only one way this thing could go. It was possible to be moved also by respect and compassion for having made it so far and the passion to prevent future suffering wherever I could. It was possible to nurture and allow the smallest spark of pure love to ignite.

Unfilled

Lessons From Anorexia, Unsorted November 28, 2018

All things were returned to their rightful place. Parts of self matured naturally with the unconditional presence held by those who had endured brokenness and the intimate process of putting the pieces back — having taken care to leave a tender space unfilled where it would have been easier to attempt to fill it up. What was once desperate attempts at survival became wisdom and loving self-restraint.

A New Kind of Thought

Quieting, Unsorted September 29, 2018

Sometimes there were no words. And then somehow, mysteriously, worlds began to well up from somewhere beyond. A new kind of thought from a gentler place began to transform all that seemed unreachable. Gentle prayers began to take form out of the resolve to surrender everything  — just to remember this place for a moment.

There came a desire to remain in this place within — just a little longer — no matter what appeared on the surface or how big the challenges seemed.

Something Beautiful

Tenderness September 28, 2018

Transformation into tenderness meant being okay when life wasn’t all sorted out. It meant holding a space for all the words that, for whatever reason, just wouldn’t ever be spoken. It meant detaching with love and acceptance from all that had been left in the past, often without resolution — not knowing what would become of the tender ache left in its place — trusting it would become something beautiful.

Gently Whispered Prayers

Unsorted August 11, 2018

Words formed out of silence — from a higher place. Somehow, in a not so mysterious kind of way, gently whispered prayers connected an expanded sense of self.

A new kind of thought was born

out of a willingness to reach back  —

offering comforting words,

while remaining open

to the same gently whispered prayers

from somewhere beyond this time.