After Everything

Reflections, Unsorted November 30, 2021

The quiet prayer in my heart

continued on

no matter how many times I seemed

to forget to listen.

It was there in the quiet moments

when I dared to gather up all

of the confusion and anxieties

and frustration and ongoing traumas

playing out all around me.

It was there in the aha moments

when I became quiet enough to remember

all I had forgotten to gather up —

all the little bits of hope and the pure

miraculous way they still existed

after everything.

It was there when I remembered

just one small, sweet memory

of the journey —

a time when I seemed to be

completely alone but realized I was not.

In a sea of traumatic memories

and the long list of things lost,

what stood out, if I looked

and listened a little deeper,

was tenderness.

No Matter What

Continuing On June 22, 2021

At times I forgot

the pure connection with

my heart and the unshakeable

hope that remained always,

even in the darkest, most treacherous

parts of the journey.

It took only a moment —

a seemingly accidental whisper,

a quiet prayer of desperation crying out

to the light or a gentle note

from an old friend

triggering into clarity

the remembrance of all that is

most true and all of the beauty

and unconditional love

that couldn’t be broken

no matter what.

One More Time

Continuing On, Unsorted April 25, 2021

And so I continued to write —

not so much for the words anymore

but to feel the connection

with my soul

at a time when real connection

was precious and rare

and words seemed to fall short.

If I couldn’t be heard

then I would listen.

I would turn frustration into

dedication.

I would take the deep sadness,

and I would hold it —

forever if necessary.

And if this tender ache could be

deepened, I would find a way.

Maybe it would lead to a new outer

reflection,

something a little more sacred

and beautiful.

Most likely, but maybe not.

It was my best shot.

It was one more last try.

One more time

In This Place

Continuing On December 31, 2020

Perhaps the most painful lesson

on the journey

was allowing things to be

unresolved —

unsorted.

It was a little different than

giving in. It was definitely not

giving up., but I had to learn

to hold a place for all that was unsettled —

trusting in previous lessons learned

about truth and love and the fluidity

of all states —

knowing beyond all doubt that

there was tenderness in this place.

Reconnection

Letting Go December 16, 2020

I learned that in order to retain the delicate

reconnection with my true Self,

there was to be a clean cut

with all that was of false light.

There were moments of extreme grief

and disbelief as one piece after another,

all that was holding my heart from

it’s true calling was torn back.

I did my best to gather up anything

that might help in retracing my steps

and somehow returning with some kind

of treasure to share —

which helped to create a sense

of meaning in the pain.

Eventually, even carefully gathered treasures

had to be set down — for a while,

adding to the already immense grief

I didn’t know if my heart could bear.

But it was at that point I began to

understand tenderness and

compassion and grace

more deeply.

And I knew I could never

turn back.

Worth Living

Continuing On November 27, 2020

There were so many moments

of decision,

so many chances to take one more step

and to trust it was indeed safe to hold

out for truth

just one more last time.

I learned the art of turning inward,

healing deeply

all the parts of me that were

frightened and exhausted from years

of being disconnected from each other

and from God.

I learned there was a powerful

spirit of pure, real love —

not the imitation or false light

I had strived for.

No, not that.

This unexpected rising up of pure

Spirit was what had brought me

through trials and encouraged me

when I didn’t think I could endure.

And it was this very rising up

that, each time I glanced at the road

behind me, made the whole journey

worth living.