Category: Reflections

After Everything

Laurie's NotesLeave a comment

The quiet prayer in my heart

continued on

no matter how many times I seemed

to forget to listen.

It was there in the quiet moments

when I dared to gather up all

of the confusion and anxieties

and frustration and ongoing traumas

playing out all around me.

It was there in the aha moments

when I became quiet enough to remember

all I had forgotten to gather up —

all the little bits of hope and the pure

miraculous way they still existed

after everything.

It was there when I remembered

just one small, sweet memory

of the journey —

a time when I seemed to be

completely alone but realized I was not.

In a sea of traumatic memories

and the long list of things lost,

what stood out, if I looked

and listened a little deeper,

was tenderness.

All That Was Good

Laurie's Notes1 Comment

The thing is I was used to

taming inner darkness,

and sorting outrageous amounts of

mixed up truth and lies

was nothing.

The thing is I had already succumbed

to the dissonance —

already given up my soul

in pieces,

gathered it back up,

and carefully fit it back together with

my last bit of strength.

I had almost lost my life,

but it was almost completely

surrendering my soul

that was far worse.

The loss of my soul and therefore

all connection with God

and all that was life affirming

and good

became the one thing I feared.

And so, as shocking as it was to

be challenged and pushed

to the edge once more,

I was prepared not to go

down that path ever again.

Carried

Laurie's Notes1 Comment

The shifts toward greater alignment with my heart were painfully subtle at times, but I learned that movement is movement.  I found any amount of flexibility in my mind and body could be held and carried into more movement and more gentle guiding of unaligned fragments of Self back to the center of my deepest heart — in each moment.

Enough

Laurie's Notes12 Comments

One day I got it that life isn’t supposed to get completely sorted out. I understood there is always a place of unsettledness. Who’s to say what and how much to sort through and surrender and how much to leave alone in the transformative state of raw tenderness?

I couldn’t help but look back on all the time and energy spent trying find someone or something to help me out of the mess in my head. I thought of all the countless dramas I had acted out in my life in hope of a solution to this unresolved trauma — my piece of the collective suffering.

Then I got it that at any point I could have seen that I was okay with where I was (because of course I was more okay than I knew). I could have identified with the healer in me, the totality of all of the parts of me that had struggled to find relief — not knowing they didn’t need to go it alone.

And so in that moment, I vowed to not waste one more bit of energy doing things that only tired me out, including all useless kinds of thinking. I vowed to keep my heart open to the quiet prayer within.

Sometimes enough is enough.

A Gentler Way

Laurie's Notes5 Comments

For a while, parts of me did their best to survive. The noise created in my mind served as a way to focus away from attempts to sort out what couldn’t be processed completely from that place. Had I been able to access more highly consious parts of me, I would have been shown a gentler way.

In truth, I was shown this gentler way, but needed to reach a place where I could hear more clearly. I needed to step out of that seemingly separate and fractured self.

There, in the sacred space of my true Self,  instead of struggling against parts of the whole, I became healer of my own heart.