Just when I thought
there was no hope,
just when darkness seemed
to have won,
I learned something surprising.
I learned this was the perfect
set up for an equal and opposite
surge of light
that would outshine every last
bit of darkness.
And once lit,
nothing could put it out
What was seen could never be
unseen.
For the most part,
what remained was the sweet
tenderness of the journey.
It was a bit of a jolt
when the dark nights appeared.
But with each one came
a little more light, pointing the way,
ever so clearly, to my true essence
and connection with my true Self.
It was, of course, difficult
during those intense times
of clearing out and letting go.
There was grief.
There was a lot of grief.
And there was, when I dared to trust
and keep going,
an ever expanding space of
tenderness,
which I wouldn’t have traded
for the chance to hold on
to anything else.
The thing is I was used to
taming inner darkness,
and sorting outrageous amounts of
mixed up truth and lies
was nothing.
The thing is I had already succumbed
to the dissonance —
already given up my soul
in pieces,
gathered it back up,
and carefully fit it back together with
my last bit of strength.
I had almost lost my life,
but it was almost completely
surrendering my soul
that was far worse.
The loss of my soul and therefore
all connection with God
and all that was life affirming
and good
became the one thing I feared.
And so, as shocking as it was to
be challenged and pushed
to the edge once more,
I was prepared not to go
down that path ever again.
There was the choice to align
with truth and life
at all costs…or not.
There was that one moment
when it was clear
enough life had been lived
and dishonored by oneself
to realize it had always been
a miracle
and that moment might be
the first chance of many
or the last for a while
to speak in alignment, finally,
from the heart.
What to say in that moment?
Rehash the details
of the dark or light the way
with a reclaimed soul?
(Holding space for healing,
of course.)
Say what is safe
or what is most true?
Shout with compassion
or comply with fear?
Pause and play along
as needed… perhaps.
Use every last bit of true love and
restraint?
It was impossible to predict
There were
no guarantees.
It was exhausting
to be aware and determined
to search for truth —
no matter what —
to take on a little bit
more than one’s own individual
trauma,
to be dedicated to truth,
then dedicated to sharing.
But it wasn’t really
a choice, not really.
There was the frustration
when words seemed to
dissipate in thin air
through years spent being pulled
into darkness
and years of climbing out —
through the shock as the whole world
seemed to turn completely
upside down.
But there was a certain quality
of spirit, recovered through
this very process that whispered,
“How could I not?”
It held no grudges or hatred
or blame
because it was seen
through the despair
and understood somewhere deeper
that this very soul would not have evolved
quite as quickly
or integrated quite so fully
on an easier path.
The thing with evil
was it didn’t show up
overtly and say, “I want to harm
you or worse.”
It showed up in response to
a vulnerable, traumatized part
of Self that held
a longing for protection
and safety.
It said, “I will protect you.”
This is not to say there weren’t
other forces of light
that truly offered
true healing or that good and truth
didn’t prevail in the end.
Still, it snuck in
and worked slowly and gained trust
as a protector.
It showed up in me as
anorexia, which we know
doesn’t ever end well without
extreme measures of intervention
and clearly didn’t have
my best interests in mind.
But I found it takes
many forms.
I learned there is nothing
comparable to the strength
of the human spirit
when aligned with its creator
and wililling, win or lose,
to protect all that is innocent,
sacred and true.
I learned there is no greater joy
or frightening responsibility
than the vow to preserve
something sacred,
no matter what —
or to hold and honor what had
once been threatened,
knowing nothing could ever
divide what is and has always been
forever, divinely
connected and united.
I honor
a1ll that is unfolding.
And I hold this space
where there is nothing
to be sorted out or healed.
Amen
Out of necessity,
I learned things weren’t
what they appeared to be
on the surface.
I learned the importance of
looking deeper, listening,
and following
that quiet whisper of a prayer
inside my heart —
after a desperate attempt
to separate myself from myself
and the pain of separation became
more painful than any other scenario.
I learned to look just beneath the surface
and hold on to God’s whisper
when it became necessary
to stand alone.
And so I am forever grateful
for the lessons learned
on the way back to my heart.
There was a time when
the vast contrast between
what I knew to be true
in my heart
and what I observed in the world
around me was too painful to hold,
and I choose
to surrender my heart.
And then there came a time when
the pain of being separated
from my heart
and the very real effect of
a withering soul taken over
by darkness
gave rise to something surprising —
a renewed spirit that had no need
for any kind of attachment
to deception —
a whole spirit unafraid to face,
hold or let go of whatever appeared —
whatever was required.
