There was relief in not needing to fit all of the pieces of my heart together all at once. I found comfort in allowing life to unfold from within and freedom in experiencing myself and others in this natural state of peace. Advertisements
It became clear that everything most sacred had come out of a quiet prayer. I knew, without doubt, that every single real treasure in my life had come out of an ever deepening inner surrender — a sinking down and trusting in my own true essence a little more completely.
I searched and gathered and carried and tried and learned many things in hope of finding and sharing something that would make some kind of difference or bring some kind of relief. And I found the deepest kind of healing came in setting it all down — daring to show up empty.
I learned to ride the waves of this life. I learned not to try so hard to hold on to any particular thought or feeling or form. And I understood the beauty within this natural flow that is me.
And so I gathered up all that had once held me back, all those in-your-face old triggers that once caused deep pain. I gathered up all the memories of all the times and all the present stories and thoughts of people and situations that were dishonoring. And with a prayer, I flung it all as far as I could — to be recycled — to be free.
There was tenderness in the persistent way pieces of my own heart longed for understanding and in the gentle way they became willing to surrender the need to grasp — to step outside neatly sorted concepts and ideas and every place that was comfortable and guaranteed — to toss it all up again and again because it was the most loving thing.
There were times when the absolute best I could do was take the very next needed step in trust that the next would appear just as needed — just as it had always been. And in-between these small leaps of faith, the voices of doubt grew so much quieter that I found myself straining to hear — as if their presence could offer any real security. Funny, I had thought they did.
With all of the pieces gathered up, after having glimpsed the true peace at the bottom of the deep abyss below, I let go of everything and jumped. I stopped seeking, stopped questioning, stopped trying to know the exact right way to do it. This time, I trusted the pieces to fall where they needed to fall. And I held on to the beautiful emptiness in the very center of my heart instead.
In my darkest moment, when I thought I was most lost, I received the most precious gift — the subtle knowing of the exact, perfect mix of holding and letting go at once.
Please make this okay. Thank you. Amen