And so the essence
of every experience became
a prayer —
a continuous flow of love
that had breathed me
back to life.
Category: Unsorted
After Everything
The quiet prayer in my heart
continued on
no matter how many times I forgot
to listen.
It was there in the quiet moments
when I dared to gather up all
of the confusion and anxieties
and frustration and ongoing traumas
playing out all around me.
It was there in the aha moments
when I became quiet enough to remember
all I had forgotten to gather up –
all the little bits of hope and the pure
miraculous way they still existed
after everything.
It was there when I remembered
just one small, sweet memory
of the journey –
a time when I seemed to be
completely alone but realized I was not.
In a sea of traumatic memories
and the long list of things lost,
what stood out, if I looked
and listened a little deeper,
was tenderness.
Every Single Time
There came a time
when it didn’t matter
how many lies were spoken
or if they were repeated
by every single person around me.
My love of truth had grown so great
and my determination to
move in the direction of truth
and to never again be disconnected
from my own true Self had become
just what I do.
I had learned to respond to my own
inner reality and to create
from there.
Of course the darkness was
difficult to walk through.
And I admit I wasn’t always graceful.
But I reminded myself in the darkest
of times that without fail, every single time
I faced the path ahead and walked it
all the way,
all I remembered was the incredible light
and magic I had experienced.
Embraced
It was disheartening to surrender
to the idea that love of truth
and the desire to see and protect
one’s own true spirit
and that within others had gotten a bit
scrambled.
Sometimes sacred things got mixed up
on the road to tenderness.
Sometimes darkness found its way in
where there was wounding,
And it took a while to let go of the idea
that moving further away from
true unity based on united sovereign souls
could ever lead anywhere good.
No, in the end, darkness and separation
had to be seen for what it was–
looked straight in the face
and released.
Parts of Self desperately hated,
disconnected,
and previously entwined with the dark
had to be embraced.
Unseen
Just when I thought
there was no hope,
just when darkness seemed
to have won,
I learned something surprising.
I learned this was the perfect
set up for an equal and opposite
surge of light
that would outshine every last
bit of darkness.
And once lit,
nothing could put it out
What was seen could never be
unseen.
What Remained
For the most part,
what remained was the sweet
tenderness of the journey.
It was a bit of a jolt
when the dark nights appeared.
But with each one came
a little more light, pointing the way,
ever so clearly, to my true essence
and connection with my true Self.
It was, of course, difficult
during those intense times
of clearing out and letting go.
There was grief.
There was a lot of grief.
And there was, when I dared to trust
and keep going,
an ever expanding space of
tenderness,
which I wouldn’t have traded
for the chance to hold on
to anything else.
All That Was Good
The thing is I was used to
taming inner darkness,
and sorting outrageous amounts of
mixed up truth and lies
was nothing.
The thing is I had already succumbed
to the dissonance —
already given up my soul
in pieces,
gathered it back up,
and carefully fit it back together with
my last bit of strength.
I had almost lost my life,
but it was almost completely
surrendering my soul
that was far worse.
The loss of my soul and therefore
all connection with God
and all that was life affirming
and good
became the one thing I feared.
And so, as shocking as it was to
be challenged and pushed
to the edge once more,
I was prepared not to go
down that path ever again.
No Guarantees
There was the choice to align
with truth and life
at all costs…or not.
There was that one moment
when it was clear
enough life had been lived
and dishonored by oneself
to realize it had always been
a miracle
and that moment might be
the first chance of many
or the last for a while
to speak in alignment, finally,
from the heart.
What to say in that moment?
Rehash the details
of the dark or light the way
with a reclaimed soul?
(Holding space for healing,
of course.)
Say what is safe
or what is most true?
Shout with compassion
or comply with fear?
Pause and play along
as needed… perhaps.
Use every last bit of true love and
restraint?
It was impossible to predict
There were
no guarantees.
United
I learned there is nothing
comparable to the strength
of the human spirit
when aligned with its creator
and wililling, win or lose,
to protect all that is innocent,
sacred and true.
I learned there is no greater joy
or frightening responsibility
than the vow to preserve
something sacred,
no matter what —
or to hold and honor what had
once been threatened,
knowing nothing could ever
divide what is and has always been
forever, divinely
connected and united.
Whatever Was Required
There was a time when
the vast contrast between
what I knew to be true
in my heart
and what I observed in the world
around me was too painful to hold,
and I choose
to surrender my heart.
And then there came a time when
the pain of being separated
from my heart
and the very real effect of
a withering soul taken over
by darkness
gave rise to something surprising —
a renewed spirit that had no need
for any kind of attachment
to deception —
a whole spirit unafraid to face,
hold or let go of whatever appeared —
whatever was required.
Laurie's Notes 