I learned to find my way
back to the space within
my heart.
I learned to be okay
with a quiet prayer
and a tiny spark of hope.
And I remembered
to never again let go
of my soul.
Tag: anorexia recovery
Every Single Time
There came a time
when it didn’t matter
how many lies were spoken
or if they were repeated
by every single person around me.
My love of truth had grown so great
and my determination to
move in the direction of truth
and to never again be disconnected
from my own true Self had become
just what I do.
I had learned to respond to my own
inner reality and to create
from there.
Of course the darkness was
difficult to walk through.
And I admit I wasn’t always graceful.
But I reminded myself in the darkest
of times that without fail, every single time
I faced the path ahead and walked it
all the way,
all I remembered was the incredible light
and magic I had experienced.
Where There Is No Path
I found there were many
forks in the road,
many places to choose
to walk where there is
no path,
where pain is held, honored
and transformed again and again —
each time leaving a little more space
for the one thing strong enough
to balance the traces of pain inevitably
left over from often difficult journeys,
the one thing strong enough to hold all
of the pieces
of an authentic life —
the space within our hearts.
My Deepest Heart
I began to notice moments
of unfolding tenderness.
It was okay if there were
challenging moments.
I had learned that experiences
were always transforming
and, like the wind,
could change course
in an instant.
And it was enough to know
I could, in any moment,
hold or allow myself to be carried
by the sweet, gentle breeze
of my deepest heart.
One More Last Time
I found myself within
a natural flow,
a constant creative process —
a subtle, prayerful transformation
set in motion by one quiet prayer.
I learned to keep going
whenever things didn’t look at all
like what I held in my heart.
I learned to hold my ground
just a little longer —
trusting somehow, one more last time,
in the transformation into tenderness.
A Gentle Reconnection
I intuitively understood
that if I was going to reconnect
with my heart,
I would need to risk setting down
old ways of coping
and moving through
a whole lot of fears.
What I had found was subtle
and tender, and i just knew
if I was to return to any form
of numbing or distraction,
I would miss something I wasn’t
willing to let go of again.
I had come too far.
And so the decision was made,
and that first step into
what I later called a prayer break
was taken.
The respite found immediately
was a vast contrast
to all of the striving and searching
and disconnect I had experienced.
I never turned back.
After a while my life existed within
an expanded prayer break,
a gentle reconnection
with a deeper part of me
and a return to the natural flow
of life, which I experienced as
a continuous transformation into
tenderness.
This New Echo
Somehow, a little beyond
what I had thought possible —
subtler than expected,
experiences in my own self
and in the world
began to soften.
Words flowed from a different
place and echoed long after
the brief moments I felt pulled
to write or remember.
It was a familiar kind of echo,
the kind of echo I had felt
from the difficult path that had
brought me to this point.
But this new echo,
this unending quiet prayer,
soothed and softened
places in my heart that had once
seemed unhealable
and carried me softly
toward a gentler path.
Somehow
For a while
it seemed something had
gone terribly wrong.
I had lived through
much contrast and
overcome many challenges.
And yet part of me still felt unsafe
as the contrast continued.
Somehow, just like the very first time
I dared to stop and allow
all of the pieces I had been holding
a little too tightly
to fall around me,
I found the courage again
to gather up the pieces
and sink a little more deeply
into my heart —
taking one more step
into tenderness.
Something Beautiful
Sometimes words and tears
didn’t come.
Sometimes standing
in the empty space where words
and tears should have been
was the exact right place.
It’s where I found the most
shattered parts of my heart,
dusted them off
with my very last bit
of strength,
and promised to somehow
fit the pieces together and make
something beautiful of the mess —
again.
Of course each time I
realized the impact
of the imperfect journey
and willingness to show up
in that very moment —
breaking through my fear
of getting it wrong,
shattering my heart a little more
and directing me back again
to tenderness.
Reconnection With Sacredness
Life took on a welcome
subtleness.
The ability to create
a lighter, more playful relationship
with thought offered
a new kind of reprieve.
There was a renewed trust
in the two-way communication
with life
and a reconnection with
sacredness that made being alive
begin to make a little more sense.
Laurie's Notes 