All That Was Good

Reflections, Unsorted July 15, 2020

The thing is I was used to

taming inner darkness,

and sorting outrageous amounts of

mixed up truth and lies

was nothing.

The thing is I had already succumbed

to the dissonance —

already given up my soul

in pieces,

gathered it back up,

and carefully fit it back together with

my last bit of strength.

I had almost lost my life,

but it was almost completely

surrendering my soul

that was far worse.

The loss of my soul and therefore

all connection with God

and all that was life affirming

and good

became the one thing I feared.

And so, as shocking as it was to

be challenged and pushed

to the edge once more,

I was prepared not to go

down that path ever again.

No Guarantees

From A Quiet Prayer, Unsorted July 13, 2020

There was the choice to align

with truth and life

at all costs…or not.

There was that one moment

when it was clear

enough life had been lived

and dishonored by oneself

to realize it had always been

a miracle

and that moment might be

the first chance of many

or the last for a while

to speak in alignment, finally,

from the heart.

What to say in that moment?

Rehash the details

of the dark or light the way

with a reclaimed soul?

(Holding space for healing,

of course.)

Say what is safe

or what is most true?

Shout with compassion

or comply with fear?

Pause and play along

as needed… perhaps.

Use every last bit of true love and

restraint?

It was impossible to predict

There were

no guarantees.

No Matter What

From A Quiet Prayer, Unsorted July 12, 2020

It was exhausting

to be aware and determined

to search for truth —

no matter what —

to take on a little bit

more than one’s own individual

trauma,

to be dedicated to truth,

then dedicated to sharing.

But it wasn’t really

a choice, not really.

There was the frustration

when words seemed to

dissipate in thin air

through years spent being pulled

into darkness

and years of climbing out —

through the shock as the whole world

seemed to turn completely

upside down.

But there was a certain quality

of spirit, recovered through

this very process that whispered,

“How could I not?”

It held no grudges or hatred

or blame

because it was seen

through the despair

and understood somewhere deeper

that this very soul would not have evolved

quite as quickly

or integrated quite so fully

on an easier path.

A Longing for Protection

Lessons From Anorexia, Unsorted July 8, 2020

The thing with evil

was it didn’t show up

overtly and say, “I want to harm

you or worse.”

It showed up in response to

a vulnerable, traumatized part

of Self that held

a longing for protection

and safety.

It said, “I will protect you.”

This is not to say there weren’t

other forces of light

that truly offered

true healing or that good and truth

didn’t prevail in the end.

Still, it snuck in

and worked slowly and gained trust

as a protector.

It showed up in me as

anorexia, which we know

doesn’t ever end well without

extreme measures of intervention

and clearly didn’t have

my best interests in mind.

But I found it takes

many forms.

United

From A Quiet Prayer, Unsorted July 6, 2020

I learned there is nothing

comparable to the strength

of the human spirit

when aligned with its creator

and wililling, win or lose,

to protect all that is innocent,

sacred and true.

I learned there is no greater joy

or frightening responsibility

than the vow to preserve

something sacred,

no matter what —

or to hold and  honor what had

once been threatened,

knowing nothing could ever

divide what is and has always been

forever, divinely

connected and united.

God’s Whisper

Lessons From Anorexia June 30, 2020

Out of necessity,

I learned things weren’t

what they appeared to be

on the surface.

I learned the importance of

looking deeper, listening,

and following

that quiet whisper of a prayer

inside my heart —

after a desperate attempt

to separate myself from myself

and the pain of separation became

more painful than any other scenario.

I learned to look just beneath the surface

and hold on to God’s whisper

when it became necessary

to stand alone.

And so I am forever grateful

for the lessons learned

on the way back to my heart.

Whatever Was Required

Lessons From Anorexia, Unsorted June 30, 2020

There was a time when

the vast contrast between

what I knew to be true

in my heart

and what I observed in the world

around me was too painful to hold,

and I choose

to surrender my heart.

And then there came a time when

the pain of being separated

from my heart

and the very real effect of

a withering soul taken over

by darkness

gave rise to something surprising —

a renewed spirit that had no need

for any kind of attachment

to deception —

a whole spirit unafraid to face,

hold or let go of whatever appeared —

whatever was required.

The Challenge to Stand

Unsorted June 6, 2020

The journey to wholeness

meant accepting the challenge

to stand

alone with God at times,

the only safe place being

the silent space within

a heart disconnected

from its very source

and in process of repair.

It meant pushing on

and digging deeper,

no matter how crazy the challenges

became.

It took every last bit

of energy to choose

to align with love

again and again —

letting go of attachments

to the dark

where there had been trauma.

It meant the rising up

and coming together

of healed parts

no longer needing to fight

against or prove dominance over

each other.

It meant reaching in

and following the parts

what were most whole —

holding space for all that remained

unhealed.

In That Moment

What's Right Here May 10, 2020

It seemed to be important

to be in the world

at that particular moment.

Somehow I knew it must have mattered

in some way

that I had managed to make it that far,

having lost my heart and soul…

almost, but not quite.

Sure enough, they were still in tact —

somehow.

And… there was, in that exact moment,

no way to avoid, not look, numb,

justify or unsee what had been

seen through.

There was the overwhelming

sense of powerlessness to protect what had

been held so sacred in my heart,

sometimes by a thread.

And although screaming wore me out

and added to the intensity and insanity

of it all,

I allowed myself to scream.

It had taken so long to be able

to scream again,

only to feel like I was just in time

to be too late,

turned away and unheard

while facing impossible choices

again,

Only this time something had shifted,

if only in the unseen

silent prayer

and inner promise to God

to do whatever was required

to remain connected to my soul

in that moment,

as I had practiced,

not so gracefully.

so many times before.

Somehow it had mattered.

The Process of Awakening

Unsorted April 15, 2020

I found it was possible

to navigate through

the process of awakening into

our own true being.

I understood the courage to face fear

and pain

this required,

while at the same time

navigating through extreme challenges

in the physical world.

It wasn’t easy,

but it was possible.

It was possible to hold my ground

and find a way through.

It was possible to observe and understand

what was indeed happening

in darkness,

to resolve to hold a place of light,

to stand up or speak out when necessary,

and to offer love and forgiveness

where it seemed impossible to do so.

The necessary steps seemed

unclear at times —

only to become clearer

as they appeared.

It required trust, creativity

and the courage to try one more

one more time.