The Challenge to Stand

Unsorted June 6, 2020

The journey to wholeness

meant accepting the challenge

to stand

alone with God at times,

the only safe place being

the silent space within

a heart disconnected

from its very source

and in process of repair.

It meant pushing on

and digging deeper,

no matter how crazy the challenges

became.

It took every last bit

of energy to choose

to align with love

again and again —

letting go of attachments

to the dark

where there had been trauma.

It meant the rising up

and coming together

of healed parts

no longer needing to fight

against or prove dominance over

each other.

It meant reaching in

and following the parts

what were most whole —

holding space for all that remained

unhealed.

In That Moment

What's Right Here May 10, 2020

It seemed to be important

to be in the world

at that particular moment.

Somehow I knew it must have mattered

in some way

that I had managed to make it that far,

having lost my heart and soul…

almost, but not quite.

Sure enough, they were still in tact —

somehow.

And… there was, in that exact moment,

no way to avoid, not look, numb,

justify or unsee what had been

seen through.

There was the overwhelming

sense of powerlessness to protect what had

been held so sacred in my heart,

sometimes by a thread.

And although screaming wore me out

and added to the intensity and insanity

of it all,

I allowed myself to scream.

It had taken so long to be able

to scream again,

only to feel like I was just in time

to be too late,

turned away and unheard

while facing impossible choices

again,

Only this time something had shifted,

if only in the unseen

silent prayer

and inner promise to God

to do whatever was required

to remain connected to my soul

in that moment,

as I had practiced,

not so gracefully.

so many times before.

Somehow it had mattered.

The Process of Awakening

Unsorted April 15, 2020

I found it was possible

to navigate through

the process of awakening into

our own true being.

I understood the courage to face fear

and pain

this required,

while at the same time

navigating through extreme challenges

in the physical world.

It wasn’t easy,

but it was possible.

It was possible to hold my ground

and find a way through.

It was possible to observe and understand

what was indeed happening

in darkness,

to resolve to hold a place of light,

to stand up or speak out when necessary,

and to offer love and forgiveness

where it seemed impossible to do so.

The necessary steps seemed

unclear at times —

only to become clearer

as they appeared.

It required trust, creativity

and the courage to try one more

one more time.

Peace in Allowing

Soothing April 3, 2020

I found it most beneficial

to enter what I would later call

a prayer break

during times of deep healing.

I intuitively took actions that needed

to be taken —

letting go of everything

that could wait,

I spent my time with nature, creativity,

simple and nourishing foods,

and meditations (including moving

meditations)

and words from the most

nurturing and wise

healers I could find.

While I was able to trust

my own inner support,

I found it comforting to listen

and feel for truth in the words of others.

I found peace in allowing all emotions and

triggers, while becoming more refined at

responding from more healed parts of me.

I learned to take in information from

the inner and outer and “toss it all”

to my higher self or God.

I found peace in allowing

the pieces to fall back down —

a little at a time —

in ways I could easily understand.

Where There Is No Path

Continuing On, Unsorted November 16, 2019

I found there were many 

forks in the road,

many places to choose

to walk where there is

no path,

where pain is held, honored

and transformed again and again —

each time leaving a little more space

for the one thing strong enough

to balance the traces of pain inevitably

left over from often difficult journeys,

the one thing strong enough to hold all

of the pieces

of an authentic life —

the space within our hearts.

My Deepest Heart

Remembrance September 27, 2019

I began to notice moments

of unfolding tenderness.

It was okay if there were

challenging moments.

I had learned that experiences

were always transforming

and, like the wind,

could change course

in an instant.

And it was enough to know

I could, in any moment,

hold or allow myself to be carried

by the sweet, gentle breeze

of my deepest heart.

Where There Was Tenderness

Tenderness, Unsorted September 27, 2019

I found reprieve in

the remembrance of the quiet peace

ever present within my deepest heart.

I found a willingness to listen

a little deeper —

to observe a little longer —

to be carried and

set back down gently

in the present moment

where there was tenderness.

After a while, it was difficult

to see how I could have moved

through life in any other way.

A Gentle Reconnection

Tenderness September 19, 2019

I intuitively understood

that if I was going to reconnect

with my heart,

I would need to risk setting down

old ways of coping

and moving through

a whole lot of fears.

What I had found was subtle

and tender, and i just knew

if I was to return to any form

of numbing or distraction,

I would miss something I wasn’t

willing to let go of again.

I had come too far.

And so the decision was made,

and that first step into

what I later called a prayer break

was taken.

The respite found immediately

was a vast contrast

to all of the striving and searching

and disconnect I had experienced.

I never turned back.

After a while my life existed within

an expanded prayer break,

a gentle reconnection 

with a deeper part of me

and a return to the natural flow

of life, which I experienced as

a continuous transformation into

tenderness.