Tag: awakening

Tenderness

Only This

Laurie's Notes

Each time I seemed

to fall back down,

I wondered how I would ever

find the strength to rise again.

There were times

of integration when I would

somehow lose my footing

and in a little bit of panic

seem to lose my way

and cry out,

which never went particularly well —

to put it mildly.

There was, in these times,

a quiet, wordless  prayer

inside my heart.

Often it was the only thing

left to hold on to.

No matter how great the

contrast between what I felt

in my heart

and what appeared in front of me

and in my cluttered mind,

I continued on —

declaring once more,

perhaps with more conviction,

If the only reprieve to be found

is in my heart space

with this one continuous

quiet prayer,

then I will hold

only this.

Tenderness

Forever

Laurie's Notes

Life began to soften

ever so slightly.

It was risky to hold

the love I had found

in my heart.

There were body memories

of the times when the contrast

between my heart and the world

had been too much to hold —

or so I thought.

Little by little I had somehow

learned how to hold whatever

needed holding —

for however long it needed

to be held —

even if it was forever.

Tenderness

Something Beautiful

Laurie's Notes

Sometimes words and tears

didn’t come.

Sometimes standing

in the empty space where words

and tears should have been

was the exact right place.

It’s where I found the most

shattered parts of my heart,

dusted them off

with my very last bit

of strength,

and promised to somehow

fit the pieces together and make

something beautiful of the mess —

again.

Of course each time I

realized the impact

of the imperfect journey

and willingness to show up

in that very moment —

breaking through my fear

of getting it wrong,

shattering my heart a little more

and directing me back again

to tenderness.

Continuing On

Within the Unfolding

Laurie's Notes

Life continued to unfold.

With the reconnection

to a deeper sense of self

came a lingering sadness

for the difficult path

traveled in order to reach

a more expanded view

and for the equally difficult

path of awakening

of the greater whole.

Becoming more at ease within

the unfolding took a little bit

of getting used to.

It helped to remember

to remain in the sacred space

of the present moment —

where spirit, body,

and higher mind were joined —

where reprieve and healing

had been found so many times.

Tenderness

Against All Odds

Laurie's Notes

There were moments of deeply felt grief, having endured a long, intense spiritual and human journey. There were regrets and lingering physical scars and emotional wounds.  And there was tenderness, something that was understood deep down to somehow be the whole point.

There was the understanding, in the brief moments of outer calm, that I had given up many things on this journey — but not this. I wouldn’t have been able to endure without this tenderness of spirit.

I wouldn’t have been able to be present in a world of challenges without having broken apart and come back together. I wouldn’t have been able to look at overwhelming challenges and destruction without knowing what is possible. I had been to the edge of destruction in my own way and had, against all odds, transformed — not with my own limited human self alone, but in cooperation with something much bigger that I didn’t quite understand.

At a certain point, it became clear that standing on the edge of destruction was only one way this thing could go. It was possible to be moved also by respect and compassion for having made it so far and the passion to prevent future suffering wherever I could. It was possible to nurture and allow the smallest spark of pure love to ignite.

Unsorted

Unfilled

Laurie's Notes

All things were returned to their rightful place. Parts of self matured naturally with the unconditional presence held by those who had endured brokenness and the intimate process of putting the pieces back — having taken care to leave a tender space unfilled where it would have been easier to attempt to fill it up. What was once desperate attempts at survival became wisdom and loving self-restraint.