At All Costs

It seemed risky

at first.

But I never regretted

my decision

to continue on

toward my heart

at all costs.

Somewhere,

subtly, deep down

I knew

it was reconnecting

with my own

deepest heart

I longed for

most of all.

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Without Doubt

For a dear friend who asked me what I learned after a long recovery from anorexia

and for all of us —

 

I found that,

without a doubt,

who I am

is more than

this human body

and mind.

I know this,

not because I studied

with enlightened beings,

even though I did.

I know this because

I lived it.

That is the power

and tender treasure

in this human journey,

especially those

that involve

deep healing.

I found this human

being to be a part

of me

with many parts

of its own,

some that are beautiful

and easy to love

and some that are

more difficult.

I found my greatest

healing in holding,

honoring and letting go.

I found this was a natural

process.

I found the core

of who I am

is Love.

I found this Love

naturally reveals

just enough information

in each moment.

I found my symptoms

and outer triggers

to be, in fact,

pieces of information

along this sacred journey.

I came to see

this life

wasn’t just about

healing symptoms

and reaching goals.

It was about the journey

itself.

And I began to remember

just how sacred

life is.

I began to see

myself as connected

to all of it.

I found I was

connected in each moment

to a higher self

and to the whole.

There was no need

to search outside

of me

for that connection.

There was no need

to try so hard

to manifest much.

Whispers of

pure spirit,

nature,

and the connection

found in a handful

of deep friendships

were more satisfying

than anything else.

I found joy

in being in a creative,

sacred space

with others

and my Self —

that silent space

of Love.

This is interesting to note. This is the spiritual root of anorexia according to Louise Hay. The very first healer I met gave me her book.

ANOREXIA: Denying the self and life. Extreme fear of rejection.
Affirmation: It is safe for me. I am wonderful just as I am. I choose joy and self-acceptance.

http://keeperofbalance.blogspot.com/2015/05/louise-hay-list-of-illnesses.html

My Greatest Hope

It wasn’t about

trying so hard

to create,

really.

Healing my own

shattered heart

was an art,

not a formula.

It took the strength

of each piece

risking to trust

when it would have

made more sense

to turn away.

It took the strength

to reach

and to hold

with open hands —

without grasping

or needing to avoid

being left

alone

in my reaching

while praying

to God that

wouldn’t happen.

It was a risk

that at a certain point

had become

my greatest hope.

For an Instant

There was a kind

of strength

that came out

of my deepest pain

and mixed with the

tenderness

shattered pieces of

my own heart had

worked so hard

to push down —

because they sensed

the amount of truth

they would cry out

was too much

for any one piece

to hold —

but they were never

seperate, really.

This strength found

a way

to reach up

just once more

when it had been

pushed down

too many times

to count.

This strength stood

and looked

at all that was

painful and terrible —

straight in the face.

And it vowed

to feel its own part

in it.

It agreed to keep reaching

because it had felt

the reaching back

of a hand

holding that same fear

that shook

in its own —

if only for

an instant.

In Exchange for Beauty

My deepest posture

became one

of reverence.

I found my deepest

self could endure

much shaking

on the surface.

It could honor all

parts of the whole,

without clinging

to a set of ideas

I had thought

myself to be

for a while.

It was no longer

about winning.

It was about

finding a way through

a natural process,

where I had the

chance to participate

in my own evolution —

reaching for a hand —

encouraging others

through my willingness

to face

my own hidden pain

that was entangled

with theirs —

setting down

a false

sense of self

and bits of pride

in exchange for

natural beauty

and connection.

It was the hardest

and most simple thing.

Hope

At a certain point,

the only real option

was going to

the source —

risking it all

to find something

worth holding.

It meant looking

within

and finding

that one thing

I could say

was sacred,

that one thing

worth holding

if everything else

I thought I had

understood

turned out to be

untrue.

I had to know

if there was

hope for any of us.

I had to know if

there was something

to be found

in us

that was capable

of holding

anything pure

without messing it up.

And it turned out

there was.