Quiet Reflections and Prayers
A different quality of thought arose whenever I chose to return to the wordless prayer in my heart. I liked the natural quieting within that seemed to grow each time I returned to this wordless space.
Where there had been constant noise, there was a beautiful space of listening prayer.
I found peace in the deep knowing that all things could be viewed as being in a state of continuous transformation into tenderness.
Every single creative project I entered as well as every life challenge reflected the serenity to be found as I surrendered ever more deeply into this organic movement. Instead of trying so hard to struggle against this natural process, I learned to return to the quiet prayer within and allow outer movement to follow.
I began to notice small moments of natural tenderness and a faint whisper of a wordless prayer in my heart. It was the opposite of the struggle to push away pain and impossible to ignore because I had known such huge contrast.
After a while, it was most natural to remain open to experiences and the slightest sign or hint of the beginnings of tenderness.
It took a little practice, but I learned to remain in my heart. I learned to honor all that was painful while holding space for tenderness.
I began to sink into my heart a little more each time I remembered I had the option to remain there. Experiences that seemed unhealable at first glance began to reflect the softening in my own heart.
I found all things eventually reached the point where there was no real option but to let go and trust in a higher wisdom. Trying to hold on too tightly never really worked out.
Again and again, I was faced with increasingly complex experiences where my only hope was to trust I would be met and guided by my healer self with each step. In those moments, I wasn’t depending on my own limited sense of self in a separate body. I was in a state of listening prayer.I was deeply present and receptive to higher inspiration, wherever it came from.
I let go of all forms of thought that didn’t feel like higher inspiration. All stories in my mind that reinforced separateness had to be set down — if only for a moment.
Maybe it was seeing the stories on the surface become unbearable that made jumping into the unknown seem less scary for a moment. Perhaps it was having been touched so deeply by the sharing of others or the desire to play a part in the shattering of old patterns of suffering. Perhaps it was a combination of these things that caused my heart to make a gesture to future generations through healing and softening my own heart a little more. How could I not?
Healing deeply meant finding a way to reach in to parts of Self — where it would have been easier not to. It meant reaching a place where surface responses and insights were no longer an option.
It meant becoming humble enough to reach into the unknown space within my own heart for guidance in each moment with the resolve to find my way and remain there and in a world finding its own heart again — no matter what.
I learned that creative processes held an element of messiness. I couldn’t really know when the pieces would come together — forming something more beautiful and tender than I had imagined.
It was tempting to look at the pieces and see only the mess. And so I practiced looking from a little higher view.
What Now was a gentle way of continuing on. It meant being okay with where I was. It meant being okay with where others were as well. It meant letting go of the need for outer stories to go a certain way, while still being present and offering my part
I found What Now to be a good place to focus in each moment. It was a saving grace to learn to keep my focus on the unfolding step in front of me. No matter what I wished I had done before or understood a little sooner, it mattered that I was taking the step in front of me. I liked the way this new found sense of self felt as I dropped the old stories in my mind and focused on the step in front of me.
Healing deeply was a little different than I had first expected it to be. I had to learn to hold and let go of all the pieces of my heart.
I learned to reach for my own inner healer — listening beyond stories and thought — holding space for all that was unhealed in me — respecting the tenderness, authentic beauty, compassion and peace I found there that couldn’t have been taught.
I began to notice all the ways I had tried to reach this place that had actually taken me in the opposite direction. Instead of trying so hard to work out the stories in my mind, I learned to be in my heart — where unresolved pieces turned into pieces of art and honored wisdom. Whatever was needed began to unfold a little more gracefully from there.
Laurie's Notes 