Author: Laurie's Notes

Quiet Reflections and Prayers
Continuing On

Worth Living

Laurie's Notes

There were so many moments

of decision,

so many chances to take one more step

and to trust it was indeed safe to hold

out for truth

just one more last time.

I learned the art of turning inward,

healing deeply

all the parts of me that were

frightened and exhausted from years

of being disconnected from each other

and from God.

I learned there was a powerful

spirit of pure, real love —

not the imitation or false light

I had strived for.

No, not that.

This unexpected rising up of pure

Spirit was what had brought me

through trials and encouraged me

when I didn’t think I could endure.

And it was this very rising up

that, each time I glanced at the road

behind me, made the whole journey

worth living.

Continuing On

Straight Through

Laurie's Notes

I learned, out of necessity,

the skill of holding an intention

while letting go at the same time.

It was this delicate balance

of holding and letting go

that gave me the stamina

to do what felt absolutely impossible —

to love my way straight through

all that was painful

and turn it into the most tender

experience.

Holding

Again

Laurie's Notes

It was difficult to hold

many things.

It was difficult to comprehend

that the world wasn’t

how it appeared on the surface.

I had known that at an early age

and had continued on.

It was disheartening to know

and be unable to be heard —

as so many times before.

Yet I remained thankful for strength

to hold it all anyway —

and to remain connected

to God and to my heart

this time

and to welcome new friends

and new experiences

as I learned to notice

and nurture the smallest

bit of hope and pure joy

again.

Tenderness, Unsorted

Every Single Time

Laurie's Notes

There came a time

when it didn’t matter

how many lies were spoken

or if they were repeated

by every single person around me.

My love of truth had grown so great

and my determination to

move in the direction of truth

and to never again be disconnected

from my own true Self had become

just what I do.

I had learned to respond to my own

inner reality and to create

from there.

Of course the darkness was

difficult to walk through.

And I admit I wasn’t always graceful.

But I reminded myself in the darkest

of times that without fail, every single time

I faced the path ahead and walked it

all the way,

all I remembered was the incredible light

and magic I had experienced.

Tenderness, Unsorted

Embraced

Laurie's Notes

It was disheartening to surrender

to the idea that love of truth

and the desire to see and protect

one’s own true spirit

and that within others had gotten a bit

scrambled.

Sometimes sacred things got mixed up

on the road to tenderness.

Sometimes darkness found its way in

where there was wounding,

And it took a while to let go of the idea

that moving further away from

true unity based on united sovereign souls

could ever lead anywhere good.

No, in the end, darkness and separation

had to be seen for what it was–

looked straight in the face

and released.

Parts of Self desperately hated,

disconnected,

and previously entwined with the dark

had to be embraced.

Continuing On, Unsorted

What Remained

Laurie's Notes

For the most part,

what remained was the sweet

tenderness of the journey.

It was a bit of a jolt

when the dark nights appeared.

But with each one came

a little more light, pointing the way,

ever so clearly, to my true essence

and connection with my true Self.

It was, of course, difficult

during those intense times

of clearing out and letting go.

There was grief.

There was a lot of grief.

And there was, when I dared to trust

and keep going,

an ever expanding space of

tenderness,

which I wouldn’t have traded

for the chance to hold on

to anything else.

Reflections, Unsorted

All That Was Good

Laurie's Notes

The thing is I was used to

taming inner darkness,

and sorting outrageous amounts of

mixed up truth and lies

was nothing.

The thing is I had already succumbed

to the dissonance —

already given up my soul

in pieces,

gathered it back up,

and carefully fit it back together with

my last bit of strength.

I had almost lost my life,

but it was almost completely

surrendering my soul

that was far worse.

The loss of my soul and therefore

all connection with God

and all that was life affirming

and good

became the one thing I feared.

And so, as shocking as it was to

be challenged and pushed

to the edge once more,

I was prepared not to go

down that path ever again.

From A Quiet Prayer, Unsorted

No Guarantees

Laurie's Notes

There was the choice to align

with truth and life

at all costs…or not.

There was that one moment

when it was clear

enough life had been lived

and dishonored by oneself

to realize it had always been

a miracle

and that moment might be

the first chance of many

or the last for a while

to speak in alignment, finally,

from the heart.

What to say in that moment?

Rehash the details

of the dark or light the way

with a reclaimed soul?

(Holding space for healing,

of course.)

Say what is safe

or what is most true?

Shout with compassion

or comply with fear?

Pause and play along

as needed… perhaps.

Use every last bit of true love and

restraint?

It was impossible to predict

There were

no guarantees.