The shifts toward greater alignment with my heart were painfully subtle at times, but I learned that movement is movement. I found any amount of flexibility in my mind and body could be held and carried into more movement and more gentle guiding of unaligned fragments of Self back to the center of my deepest heart — in each moment.
Tag: anorexia recovery
Enough
One day I got it that life isn’t supposed to get completely sorted out. I understood there is always a place of unsettledness. Who’s to say what and how much to sort through and surrender and how much to leave alone in the transformative state of raw tenderness?
I couldn’t help but look back on all the time and energy spent trying find someone or something to help me out of the mess in my head. I thought of all the countless dramas I had acted out in my life in hope of a solution to this unresolved trauma — my piece of the collective suffering.
Then I got it that at any point I could have seen that I was okay with where I was (because of course I was more okay than I knew). I could have identified with the healer in me, the totality of all of the parts of me that had struggled to find relief — not knowing they didn’t need to go it alone.
And so in that moment, I vowed to not waste one more bit of energy doing things that only tired me out, including all useless kinds of thinking. I vowed to keep my heart open to the quiet prayer within.
Sometimes enough is enough.
Silence
The silence of my true Self was always there. Even when the world around me and within became noisy and my body wasn’t still at all — the underlying silence never left.
The Essence
The peace found in the space within my heart began to spill over — until the essence of every experience became a prayer.
Beyond Thought
No words were needed each time I found my way to the quiet prayer in my heart.
Words carried there faded with the light of the presence of my own healer Self. The urge to look outward for relief in times of challenge was replaced with the understanding beyond thought found within and reflected outward.
Just Enough
I found it was possible and simpler than I had imagined to soften my experience in my heart and in the world.
I began by taking the reigns of my own healing journey, while dropping the struggle at the same time. Help showed up as needed, but it was when I really began to live from my inner heart space that I began to experience tenderness.
I focused on being my inner healer and living out of a formless, creative space,. My inner experience immediately became a place of reprieve. After a while, I understood that trauma and past patterns could be held and transformed in a natural, organic way. I learned to trust my inner healer to show me just enough in each moment and to catch all the pieces of my heart each time I tossed them up or whenever life became too heavy.
Listening Prayer
A different quality of thought arose whenever I chose to return to the wordless prayer in my heart. I liked the natural quieting within that seemed to grow each time I returned to this wordless space.
Where there had been constant noise, there was a beautiful space of listening prayer.
The Echo of New Thought
A new kind of thought began to echo within. No longer believing old rambling thoughts to be worthy of so much attention left a space for the new.
The echo of new thought soothed and guided ever so gently.
One Continuous Prayer
The new chosen path was an unbelievable contrast to the old. From the outside, it didn’t always appear to be all that different, but from the inside it was clearly new. Instead of being pulled under by thoughts and experiences, all that appeared in my mind and in the world was seen as raw pieces of one continuous prayer.
From Within
I learned the value
in aligning
with my own
heart.
Old patterns
fell away as
I continued to love
all of the many
different parts of
Self.
The goal in each
new moment became
accepting and
integrating parts of
the whole,
allowing love
to flow more freely
from within.
Laurie's Notes 