It was a little risky to dare to understand tenderness. It meant first knowing the opposite. It meant knowing bitter coldness and disconnect, the only way out being back through painful layers of healing as each healed layer began to let in a little more light of hope and courage to continue on. Aiming to get to a future place or remaining stuck in past stories became courage to drop more deeply into the present. It was an extreme path — the result being the capacity to hold and love the most traumatized parts of the human experience. There was accumulated trauma from painful attempts to heal the original trauma, and there was a love and compassion nothing could ever touch or take away.
Reconnection With Sacredness
Life took on a welcome
subtleness.
The ability to create
a lighter, more playful relationship
with thought offered
a new kind of reprieve.
There was a renewed trust
in the two-way communication
with life
and a reconnection with
sacredness that made being alive
begin to make a little more sense.
A Subtle Shift
What seemed like
a subtle shift in thinking
and the ability to focus
within
became a valuable tool
to navigate in a world
in the midst of its own
healing process.
It was a lifesaver during
overwhelming times
to be able to focus feelings
and thoughts
in such a way as to allow
them to be reflected.
From a Quiet Space
Writing in the moment
began as a way of telling
the story of past healing
and quickly became a way
of moving through present challenges,
flowing new kinds of thoughts
from a quiet space within —
remaining open to the possibility
that new kinds of thoughts
and feelings could begin to be
reflected.
The Quiet Space Within
Writing became a meditation,
an easily accessible way
to connect with a truer sense
of self —
in any moment.
My notes became precious tickets
back to parts of self
and back into the world.
Even after I reached a point
where I could safely let go,
translating lived experience
into words continued to be
a ticket into the quiet space within
I wouldn’t have traded
for an easier path.
Finding Calm
And so the unfolding continued,
along with challenges.
It took a bit of reorientation
into finding calm
in the midst of challenge,
but it was possible.
Finding creative ways of
meeting challenges and triggers
head on and moving through
quickly became a valued skill.
It helped to be okay
with having a tender space within
where it was understood
that some things might not ever
be completely resolved.
It helped to understand the difference
between resolution and transformation.
This quickly shifted the focus
onto the tenderness of meeting
the present moment without attachment
to future results.
It helped to remember that it was
this tender space that had
been the source of past healing
and creative processes.
Never Again
The way of love
seemed so simple
at a certain point.
But that was because I had
taken other paths to the edge.
I had lived the opposite.
There was grief
And there was steadfast knowing
that somehow guaranteed
I would never again be tempted
by darkness —
not ever.
The Remembrance
Anything that wasn’t aligned
with love eventually fell away.
It seemed odd there had
ever been another path.
But it was understood,
looking back,
that parts of the whole
had felt disconnected
and a sacred journey
to the remembrance of wholeness
had been carried out.
Within the Unfolding
Life continued to unfold.
With the reconnection
to a deeper sense of self
came a lingering sadness
for the difficult path
traveled in order to reach
a more expanded view
and for the equally difficult
path of awakening
of the greater whole.
Becoming more at ease within
the unfolding took a little bit
of getting used to.
It helped to remember
to remain in the sacred space
of the present moment —
where spirit, body,
and higher mind were joined —
where reprieve and healing
had been found so many times.
Something Beautiful
There was a longing for some missed step along the way, some kind of orientation to life or honoring of the intensity of the spiritual journey that didn’t happen soon enough. And so finding my way back to where I could sense a loving higher self had been a long, tedious journey.
The process of gathering up fractured parts of self came with its own kind of heartache. Somehow, thankfully, it also came with added tenderness. That’s what kept me in the game. It was the awe at how I kept finding just the right piece just before I really needed it and the resolve to stick with myself no matter what. It was the determination to learn to trust life and to turn what looked like a complete mess into something beautiful — again and again.
Laurie's Notes 